Recently I looked grief in the eyes and begged her to leave me be, she didn’t. Grief stayed with me, stayed with me as if I were wearing a second layer of skin. Grief was there when I went to the grocery store with messy hair and no bra, of course that’s when I ran into everyone I knew.
Grief was there when I went to work and smiled and laughed along to jokes I didn’t find funny.
Grief was there when I went to bed at night, hanging over me in suffocating silence.
My grandmother passed away last month, exactly 24 days ago, and grief is still here. I have asked her with eyes full of tears, “will you ever leave?”, but I never seem to get an answer.
The only thing I have been able to do is to try to find a way through.
I have found it best to not pretend, at least not to myself. Acknowledge that I’m grieving and honour the woman that passed. It can be so easy to sink into this idea after someone dies that life is meaningless, and for a moment it might feel like it. It’s okay to feel the full range of emotions that come from grief. When it feels like a weighted blanket that you can’t seem to shake off, feel it, accept it, and find your way through.
Psychologists say there are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
It should feel like a roadmap. “Oh, I’m at anger… soon I’ll be bargaining,” but it’s not a roadmap, it’s just a medical trail there to diagnose which stage your currently living in. When you are living in each stage it consumes you. You begin to resent the roadmap and you try to tell yourself that the psychologists and therapists, and whoever else thinks they understand grief, don’t actually know a damn thing.
Must still be in the anger stage.
Anyway, after a while you begin to feel okay. It’s not good, it’s not awful, it’s just okay, and that’s the beginning of making it through.
You remember that everyone in this life will experience grief and loss, and that perhaps the best thing to do is to live your life in the best possible way you can. Make your friendships matter, make connections, keep your word, live true to you.
Maybe life is just about how well you treat others, and how much you can enjoy the journey while you’re still here.
So while you’re making it through, remember to look up at the stars there is where you’ll find all the answers you need.
Remember you are loved, you are worthy, and you are blessed… even when it doesn’t feel like it.